Letter to the Pentagon
If you're going to keep spending money this irresponsibly, we're going to take away your allowance. And make you clean the garage this weekend.
An open letter to the idiots at the Pentagon who gave full time jobs to the potheads who couldn’t even cut it as CDC interns but instead are in charge of military procurement.
Dear turdlets,
It is time to talk to you about your spending habits, which show clear signs of someone who is spending other people’s money. Here at the alpaca ranch/solar energy plant, the chickens found a story in Defense News about the Air Force and it has them squawking - all work on their new super weapon1 is at a standstill.
According to the article they (the U.S. Air Force, not Chicken Bomber Command) want to put 33 shiny F-22 Raptors in the “boneyard” where they store planes they’re bored of flying.
Officials want to divest 33 of the service’s oldest F-22s and use that money to instead research cutting-edge combat jet designs under the “Next-Generation Air Dominance” program. If Congress approves the idea, it would send all but three Block 20 Raptors to the “boneyard” at Davis-Monthan AFB in Tucson, Arizona, and shrink the overall fleet from 186 to 153 fighters. (Defense News, 28 March 20222)
We are continually told the F-22 is the best fighter aircraft in the world, but apparently it’s not “cutting edge” enough. We’re curious of what this says about the crap everyone else is flying.
Also, we noticed that the cost of maintaining 33 of these things is enough money to start a whole other aircraft development program.
We found a swell little organization called POGO (Project On Government Oversight) and they’ve written a lot about the F-22 program. It looks like you originally wanted 800 of these things you’re now getting rid of.
The "Dream" of 800 fighters for $70 Billion fell to 648 for $64.2B (after a 1992 Selected Acquisition Report), to 442 for $64.2B (after the Bottom-Up Review of defense strategy), and to 339 for $64.2B (after a Quadrennial Defense Review). Study groups and the Congressional Budget Office seeking responsible funding are considering options of 175 and even 100 F–22s. (POGO, 10 August 20003)
Eventually the 800 number was cut to 187 working aircraft, and since the cost of just maintaining those 187 is exhausting your allowance we think cutting the original quantity was the right thing to do. Imagine if we had actually bought all 800! We’d be selling black market alpacas right now to pay for these things.
Now you’re going to 153, on the way to retiring the whole fleet because the hot sales chick at Lockheed Martin has you dreaming of the next new money pit wonder plane.
Per some general guy who does something important at the Pentagon, the Air Force is planning on reducing their whole inventory to a range of 4-5 main combat aircraft, and that plan doesn’t include the F-22 that you were begging us for just a few Christmases ago.
The general said the range will likely include the A-10 and F-16, the F-35, which 'will be the cornerstone' for the fleet, the F-15EX, and the Next Generation Air Dominance (NGAD) fighter. (MSN, 13 May 20214)
We’re retiring the best fighter in the world so we can replace it with an even more awesomer one, but in the meantime we’ll make do by purchasing more of the old stuff?
While you trash the “best fighter in the world” let’s review what these little things cost us - all we have to sell at the ranch are chicken eggs and irradiated alpaca wool and we have a limited supply of both. Here’s what POGO wrote back when you were asking for more of these things you’re now throwing away:
Instead of being such a close call, further production of F-22s ought to be laughed out of court. The F-22 is outrageously expensive. The 187 are costing just over $65 billion, about $350 million each. (POGO, 15 July 20095)
That was in 2009. Even chickens know what inflation is, and in 2022 money that’s $460 million each. We could have bought over 8 million Neil Diamond tickets for the cost of one of these but no, you had to have your precious super plane, and now Neil Diamond is retired and the chickens will never get to hear him croon.
You’re now buying more old planes to replace the super planes we already bought for you:
The F-15EX: It works because it was designed before you idiots were in charge
We’re just chickens, but we remember this is the plane you told us you were replacing with the F-22. Now you’re using them to replace F-22s, and you’ve already gone and bought almost as many new ones as the number of F-22s you’re keeping.
The USAF is set to procure at least 144 new F-15EX Eagles under an indefinite-delivery/indefinite-quantity (IDIQ) contract worth up to $22.89 billion, with the first 80 jets planned over the next five years. (Skiesmag, 19 February 20216)
Apparently you’ve been flying the bejeezus out of the F-15s you have, so this is an open-ended contract and the number will just go up.
The Air Force has been on a quest to replace its aging F-15C models. Officials in 2017 voiced concerns about the aircraft's longevity.
"We are already having serious problems with that airframe, with metal fatigue within the longerons on the side of the aircraft," Wilson said during a forum last May. (Military.com, 28 January 20207)
So we’ll still be flying the younger ones, plus the 144 new ones, plus an unknown number of additional new ones in the future. That’s instead of the nice super plane we just bought you.
While we have your attention, we would like to discuss an even bigger mess you created - the most wasteful weapons program in human or chicken history.
The F-35: The newer, even more expensive toy that you probably won’t even play with once you get it
Chickens know their useless birds, and way back in 2000 Congress approved this Wonder Turkey, with a planned purchase of 3,000 planes for a total program cost of $220 billion ($360 billion today, or $120 million per plane).
Current plans call for the production of more than 3,000 aircraft, the first of which are to be delivered in 2008. At a total estimated cost of nearly $220 billion, the JSF is the single largest weapons program ever. A selection of which of the two competing defense contractors -- Boeing and Lockheed Martin -- will be prime contractor on the program is scheduled for April, 2001. (POGO, 11 May 20008)
Originally designated the Joint Strike Fighter (JSF), the program was to start in 2001 and begin deliveries in 2008. That plan didn’t last long. It went from 3,000 aircraft to 2,866, then down to 2,457.
Although the plane was originally billed as a low-cost solution, major cost increases have plagued the program throughout the last decade. Last year, Pentagon leadership told Congress the acquisition price had increased another 16 percent, from $328.3 billion to $379.4 billion for the 2,457 aircraft to be bought. Not to worry, however—they pledged to finally reverse the growth. (POGO, 2 May 20129)
And the price tag kept going up.
The result? This February, the price increased another 4 percent to $395.7 billion and then even further in April. (POGO, 2 May 2012)
$395.7 billion in 2012 is $489 billion today, which means for 2,457 planes we will have spent $200 million per plane delivered. Do we look like we’re made of money? The chickens lay regular eggs, not golden ones like in the fairy tales.
And the total buy is going to drop even further:
In fact, the Air Force Warfighting Integrating Capability (AFWIC) is at the center of a new fighter roadmap that abandons the notion that only stealthy fighters can provide a meaningful capability to the USAF’s Combat Air Forces. Instead, it argues that “legacy” platforms such as the F-15 and F-16 can play a critical role in the overall force mix. (Skiesmag, 19 February 2021)
We understand that “legacy” in this case is just another word for “really old” designs.
This has in turn led to a re-evaluation of how many fighters are actually required. Aviation Week reported in late 2020 that AFWIC’s plan by the end of 2018 had “capped F-35A deliveries at about 1,050 jets.” (Skiesmag, 19 February 2021)
That’s about 700 planes less than the previous commitment of 1,763 F-35s for the Air Force, so the 2,457 total is probably more like 1,750 now - you guys want the plane but you also don’t want the plane. Make up your damn minds.
The Joint Strike Wonder Turkey is also very late:
The F-35 isn't only expensive—it's way behind schedule. The first plan was to have an initial batch of F-35s available for combat in 2010. Then first deployment was to be 2012. More recently, the military services have said the deployment date is "to be determined." A new target date of 2019 has been informally suggested in testimony—almost ten years late. (POGO, 2 May 2012)
Let’s review: the plane was selected in 2001, with planned first deliveries in 2008, ready for combat by 2010 and actually deployed by 2012. The current year, for reference, is 2022.
You originally told us this “multi-role” thingy would replace all aircraft, farm equipment and food processors, but now we’re hearing it doesn’t even meet its original goals.
The Air Force chief admitted the F-35 would never be able to live up to its original purpose. And now, the chair of the House Armed Services Committee said we should stop throwing money down the F-35 “rathole.” (POGO, 19 March 202110)
You know, chickens can fly (if they really must) and we’re starting to think we should have invested in chicken combat harnesses so at least our troops will have some kind of close air support. Better to have a chicken grenade on time and on target than a useless plane in maintenance. Plus, each chicken combat loss results in about 32 chicken fajitas for the troops (assuming they brought their own pico de gallo).
And to make things even worse (which we didn’t think was possible) 108 of the existing F-35s are set to become something called “concurrency orphans.”11 They were purchased before the design was complete (?), and cost too much to upgrade so they’ll probably just be stripped for spare parts.
You bought brand new planes that have never seen combat, and you’re now going to strip them for spare parts. Why do we give you an allowance at all? Can we at least use the AESA radars as egg warmers?
We’re down to a planned 1,650 total Wonder Turkeys for all services (and still dropping), and it sounds like that might be 1,650 too many. So what are you asking for now?
First, more F-16s for the Air Force
The F-16 has been around a while and has been a consistent performer for us. But the ones we have are old and need a little work to keep flying.
At least 300 F-16 Fighting Falcons will receive structural and avionics upgrades that will allow them to fly until at least 2048, thanks to a Service Life Extension Program (SLEP) with Lockheed Martin. (arstechnica, 13 April 201712)
But you’re now looking for something other than F-35s to replace them.
The U.S. Air Force is thinking about buying a brand new fighter jet to partially replace the F-16 Fighting Falcon.
The Air Force will consider a “clean sheet design” for a new “four-and-a-half-gen or fifth-gen-minus” fighter as a direct replacement for the F-16s currently in service, Brown said. (Popular Mechanics, 18 February 202113)
That plane already exists, by the way - it’s called the Gripen, and is manufactured by SAAB. If you had the brains God gave broccoli you’d order 300 of them right now, but you don’t, so you won’t.
And lots of F-18s for the Navy
If we had been paying attention to your antics instead of counting our unhatched eggs, your abandoning the F-35 would not have been a surprise. The Navy warned us many years ago:
For some time now, the Navy has been signaling its waning interest in remaining a part of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter club along with the Marine Corps and Air Force.
Last week, Politico, citing an unnamed congressional source, reported that the Navy has requested a three-year pause in acquisition of the F-35C—the carrier-launched variant of the Joint Strike Fighter. (POGO, 14 February 201414)
The Navy is performing maintenance on their F-18s so fast they make a pro chop shop look like rank amateurs, but it’s still not enough and they need new planes.
Rear Admiral Michael Manazir, director of air warfare for the U.S. chief of naval operations, told lawmakers that the Navy was working to speed up maintenance of older-model F/A-18s, but would also need to buy more new F/A-18E/F jets to avert a shortfall in strike fighters for its aircraft carriers. (Reuters, 3 November 201515)
And in fact they cut their F-35 buys so much, the F-18 will remain their primary aircraft for the foreseeable future.
Despite the entry of the F-35C into Navy service in February 2019, the Super Hornet will remain backbone of the Navy’s carrier air wings. More than 600 Super Hornets and Growlers (the electronic warfare version of the Super Hornet) are in the fleet with no planned date for retirement according to the Navy. (Forbes, 22 June 202016)
This means F-18s will outnumber F-35s on our aircraft carriers, and the only service that will be primarily using the F-35 is the Marine Corps.
It turns out there’s an unpleasant reason for that, which is the next thing we need to discuss with you.
The AV-8B Harriers, which are so worn out we needed spares for the spares
The F-35 is so late, you had to buy spare Harrier parts from the British. In fact, you borrowed feed money from us to buy their entire fleet just to keep your planes in the air.
The U.S. Marine Corps (USMC) is paying $180 million to buy 72 BAE Harrier GR.9 V/STOL fighters that were axed from the Royal Air Force in last year’s British defense review. The airframes, engines and other parts will be used as a spares source for the USMC’s fleet of AV-8B Harriers, which are now scheduled to continue in service until 2026, four years later than previously planned. (AIN Online, 2 December 201117)
Of course these aren’t going to last long enough.
In previous years, the service had said it would replace its increasingly older fleet of original model Boeing F/A-18A – D Hornet strike fighters before retiring the Harriers before replacing both fighters with the Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II Joint Strike Fighter (JSF).
Now, the Harrier will be retired in 2025 and the Hornets will hang on until 2029 for the active duty Marines. (USNI News, 3 November 201418)
The Marines will end up using their F-35s because they want a vertical lift plane and the Harriers will be nothing but rust and bolts by the end of the decade.
Let’s review this clusterchicken
We are truly amazed that you have managed to waste two entire decades of aircraft development and put us back to 1999. And we don’t mean “amazed” in a good way.
The new planes that were supposed to be awesome:
F-22 Raptor
We only have a small number due to cost overruns, it’s too expensive to maintain and fly, and it’s being retired early, so we can pay for development of the next new screw up.
F-35 Lightning II
More behind schedule than the original length of the schedule, it can’t perform its original missions so we’re keeping the planes it was supposed to replace. And it costs a fortune, to buy and to fly.
Old designs we’re keeping because we have no choice:
These were all slated for retirement but are now the cornerstones of the Air Force and Navy until we’re all dead or whenever.
F-15EX Eagle II
Was supposed to be replaced by the F-22. But it was too expensive so we kept these too. The current airframes are worn out so we’re buying new ones on an open-ended contract.
F-16 Viper
Was supposed to be replaced by the F-35. We’re upgrading hundreds of them, and we’ll be buying hundreds more, or something equivalent. (In theory. In reality you’ll buy whatever is the worst possible choice.)
F-18 Super Hornet
Was supposed to be replaced by the F-35. The current fleet is so old the Navy is buying piles of brand new ones. It will be their primary fighter/attack aircraft until the magic “next generation” plane is available.
AV-8B Harrier II
Was supposed to be replaced by the F-35. But F-35 delays meant we had to keep them, and we bought the entire UK fleet just for spare parts. The planes are still getting retired in just a few years because they’re going to actually crumble soon.
A simple conclusion
Every new aircraft looks more like a jobs program for Lockheed Martin than a serious weapon system. We’ve spent ridiculous sums of money for planes we’re not going to use in combat, and are now stuck buying new airframes of old design just to keep our pilots in the air.
We don’t have a modern, practical and affordable design to purchase. And given how you manage these programs, we never will.
You people are all either idiots or corrupt, and we’ve decided to go live here instead:
Defense News on sending 33 F-22s to the boneyard:
https://www.defensenews.com/news/pentagon-congress/2022/03/28/air-force-wants-to-send-tyndalls-f-22-jets-to-the-boneyard/
Archived copy:
https://archive.ph/4R7Gz
POGO: F-22 Facts vs. Fiction:
https://www.pogo.org/report/2000/08/f-22-program-fact-versus-fiction
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210818144014/https://www.pogo.org/report/2000/08/f-22-program-fact-versus-fiction/
MSN on retiring all F-22s:
https://www.msn.com/en-gb/money/technology/usaf-wants-to-scrap-the-dollar150million-stealth-f-22-fighter-jet/ar-BB1gHwsP?ocid=HPDHP&li=BBoPWjQ&OCID=HPDHP
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20220331200641/https://www.msn.com/en-gb/money/technology/usaf-wants-to-scrap-the-dollar150million-stealth-f-22-fighter-jet/ar-BB1gHwsP?ocid=HPDHP&li=BBoPWjQ&OCID=HPDHP
POGO on F-22 costs:
https://www.pogo.org/investigation/2009/07/f-22-controversy-part-i-arguments-for-stopping-production/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20211119221628/https://www.pogo.org/investigation/2009/07/f-22-controversy-part-i-arguments-for-stopping-production/
Skiesmag on F-15EX purchases:
https://skiesmag.com/news/usaf-radically-overhaul-fighter-plans/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210929194318/https://skiesmag.com/news/usaf-radically-overhaul-fighter-plans/
Original article on Military.com:
https://www.military.com/daily-news/2020/01/28/air-force-moves-forward-f-15ex-fighter-jet-buy.html
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210518153605/https://www.military.com/daily-news/2020/01/28/air-force-moves-forward-f-15ex-fighter-jet-buy.html
Original POGO article:
https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2000/05/congress-mulls-jsf-program/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210319184435/https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2000/05/congress-mulls-jsf-program/
Original POGO article:
https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2012/05/jet-that-ate-pentagon/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210818193551/https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2012/05/jet-that-ate-pentagon/
Original POGO article:
https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2021/03/the-f-35-and-other-legacies-of-failure/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20211217092145/https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2021/03/the-f-35-and-other-legacies-of-failure/
Original POGO article:
https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2017/10/21-billion-worth-of-f-35-concurrency-orphans
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20211222215851/https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2017/10/21-billion-worth-of-f-35-concurrency-orphans/
Original:
https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2017/04/fighting-falcon-puts-off-retirement-f-16-to-fly-for-usaf-through-2048/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20201112032846/https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2017/04/fighting-falcon-puts-off-retirement-f-16-to-fly-for-usaf-through-2048/
Original:
https://www.popularmechanics.com/military/aviation/a35551260/air-force-may-build-new-fighter-jet-f-16-replacement/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20220308193923/https://www.popularmechanics.com/military/aviation/a35551260/air-force-may-build-new-fighter-jet-f-16-replacement/
Original POGO article:
https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2014/02/navy-looking-for-some-f-35-relief/
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20211119220737/https://www.pogo.org/analysis/2014/02/navy-looking-for-some-f-35-relief/
Original Reuters article:
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-boeing-fighter/u-s-navy-official-eyes-more-boeing-f-a-18-fighter-jet-orders-idUSKCN0ST04K20151104
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20190807021704/https://www.reuters.com/article/us-boeing-fighter/u-s-navy-official-eyes-more-boeing-f-a-18-fighter-jet-orders-idUSKCN0ST04K20151104
Original Forbes article:
https://www.forbes.com/sites/erictegler/2020/06/22/us-navy-just-got-its-first-new-fa-18-super-hornets---here-are-the-key-upgrades/?sh=290392e33d3
Original:
https://www.ainonline.com/aviation-news/defense/2011-12-02/uk-harrier-fleet-sold-us-marines-spares
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20201112033246/https://www.ainonline.com/aviation-news/defense/2011-12-02/uk-harrier-fleet-sold-us-marines-spares
Original:
https://news.usni.org/2014/11/03/u-s-marines-retire-harrier-fleet-early-planned-extend-life-hornets
Archived copy:
https://web.archive.org/web/20210112215726/https://news.usni.org/2014/11/03/u-s-marines-retire-harrier-fleet-early-planned-extend-life-hornets
This pisses me off. Everyone involved should be stripped of their rank or position, denied whatever is in their retirement portfolios, and prosecuted for malfeasance. How the hell are we supposed to defend ourselves? Oh, that’s right, we aren’t. That’s been the plan all along. Just get rid of these players by any means, but get rid of them. I’d say they are traitors.